Thursday, December 30, 2010
One year down...
It still hurts. A lot sometimes. That wave analogy is pretty accurate. Only it's not like a wave that continues to grow weaker. It's far more unpredictable. There are times I'm hit with a memory and it has me reeling for hours or days. It could be something I haven't thought about since it happened and in a moment, everything goes to this dark place. This happened at church, where I happen to work now.
It was a few weeks before Christmas and I was involved in getting the stage construction taken care of. I was standing alone in the sanctuary working on the best way to construct a stand to tack thank you notes to, when I encountered vivid memories of Beccee's casket at the front of the stage. This lead to memories of standing in front of that casket holding the girls up as they said their last goodbyes and placed cards and flowers inside. Next came visions of standing in the reception line. It took a couple of days to come out of that funk. My point is that overall the waves get gentler with time, but occasionally a really big one comes and slams me into a rock.
The three of us are doing okay. The girls are doing well in school and I think I'm doing well at my new job at church. My biggest struggle is trying to balance my job with the girls. I think it's all going to work out. Things are going well with my girlfriend, Jenn. I don't think I'm shocking anyone by saying the last year has been really tough at times. What else would you expect? However, along the road of grieving for a year, a few other things happened...
I have more real friends than ever before. Friends that I could call anytime, day or night and they would be there for me. Maybe they were there before, but if they were, I didn't notice or give a damn. I have met a wonderful, beautiful, awesome woman who is now one of my best friends and a lot more. I finally got a job that I love. One that I feel like I'm doing what God wants me to do. No offense to Tommy Hilfiger, but I'm quite sure building their stores really wasn't what He had in mind for me. I've become a better musician and a better singer. My faith has strengthened. And not because of some emotional need to fill a void, but because I've sought to know the truth and the evidence convinces me of the real Truth.
Frankly, I'm not much in the mood to write tonight. So, I'll defer to someone with far more skill than I. I read this to the girls at bedtime from Beccee's journal.
"Feb 2, 2005
My angel babies:
Sometimes I worry about you so much. There are so many things & people in this world I worry about - try to protect you from. I know God has his plan for all of us - and everything is really in His hands, not mine, but I still worry. I so want everything in this world to be perfect for you. I want the sun to shine and money to grow on trees, and men to be kind to you - and life to be easy. I obviously know I cannot control everything - I hope I don't become a controlling hawk-eyed mommy - but I have such overwhelming passion to hide you both away and never let you out in this crazy, dangerous world. It's my job. It's all I think about. Are you too close to the stove, can you fall off the couch, if you do, what will you hit your head on? Are your fingers clear of doors and drawers? I don't hover, and I only smoother a little bit - but I am all consumed with your well being and safety. I still wake up a few times every night and cover your little bodies - tucking you in. Removing bottles and such (Ron here - the girls got a kick out of that) - patting your bottoms and making sure you're still breathing. I know when you are both mommies you'll do the same. I have so many dreams and hopes for you. I find myself staring into your eyes and searching for the women you are going to become. I cannot wait to know you both as adults. Please be patient with me if I make mistakes along the way. I'm winging it. I promise to do my best, to listen to you - but to protect you. Even if you don't agree with me at the time - I don't want you to ever feel like I'm making decisions just to bug you or control you. I will always be considering your safety and your well being. I love you with all of my heart and soul. I always and forever will. I would lay down my life for both of you.
- Mommy"
Monday, November 8, 2010
Working
I had several gentle reminders today that seemed to be telling me it was about time to give you all an update. I happened to run into one of Beccee's friends at Starbucks in Delafield this afternoon, I saw a FaceBook message from another of Beccee's friends about a get together, and I stumbled upon a text from yet another of Beccee's friends from January where she talked about how important it was for her to be able to keep up on me and the girls through the blog. God whispering.
As of October 1, I started working full-time at Crosspoint Community Church. My areas of responsibility fall under the umbrella (ella, ella, ay, ay - sorry, I can't help it) of technology. Shooting video, editing, making podcasts available, new media software, Internet ministries, tying in social networking to the church... things like that. I'm also still a worship leader, but it's not an official work responsibility. Although juggling a work schedule and taking care of the girls is a challenge, overall things are going great and I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing for a living. No offense, Tommy Hilfiger. The girls are very happy for me too. Mostly because they get to play with Molly Spransy more and the sound guy's dog, Boscoe. Oh, and they think I make a lot of money and they will be able to buy an RV. Yeah, right.
Millie is doing well. She is a star student at school and is excelling at most things she tries. She still has bad days or moments where she doesn't quite know how to tell me whats wrong, but that she misses mommy. Leaving the girls for a sleepover at grandma and grandpa's can still be an anxious and painful experience for Millie. But in the end, she always sucks it up and does what she has to. Sometimes it reminds me of Millie's birthday party at the hospital last year. Millie was sad and crying and hanging on Beccee telling her she wanted her to come home. Beccee told her to "buck up, kiddo." She does. A lot. Millie loves to draw pictures for me. They almost always say "I love you" on them and she tells that to me at least a half dozen times a day if not more.
Emma is having a much better time at school this year. I think her teacher is a better fit for her and it is making all the difference in the world. Emma still struggles with her attention, focus and social skills. I'm trying to help her as best I can, but it can be very frustrating. Her brain works differently than anyone else I know and it makes it difficult to communicate with her at times. It can be very frustrating for her too. Animals are still a big interest to Emma, but over the last couple months, she has really mixed things up with her stuffed animals. For a couple of years, her life revolved around Kinsey. Now days, she switches to a different animal or two every few days.
At night time, Emma prays for God to watch over Frankie and asks mommy to take care of Sparky and Matthew. Frankie is the fish she caught with her bare hands last summer. Emma is still concerned that he is safe with his family. Sparky was a class pet guinea pig that died. Emma asks mommy to clean his cage. Matthew is the name of a baby boy who was still born a month ago. We met his family at Kyle's Korner and Emma and Millie play with Matthew's sisters that are 4 and 5.
I'm still dating the woman I mentioned a while back. It's been several months now and it's going really well. We smile and laugh a lot when we're together and often when we aren't thanks to our smartphones. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I thank God for putting us together. I don't know what will happen in the future and frankly neither one of us is very concerned about it. The word girlfriend and the concept of having one is nowhere near as strange as it was a few months ago. That in and of itself is strange in a different way.
The girls are now aware that I'm dating and have met the woman and her kids. We've all gotten together several times - play dates, corn maze, trick or treating - and everyone gets along great. My therapist has reminded me to be cautious about interacting with each others' families. If things end up not working out, it could be devastating to all the kids. I try to keep that in mind and balance it with the fact that we are in each others' lives right now. I also think it's good for the kids to know other kids that have lost a parent. Man, this stuff isn't easy.
I finally had my first (and only) day without crying. I went on a trip to Chicago with the church for a short creative team retreat. The morning consisted of getting the girls ready and off to school. Our trip started immediately after that and I was so busy the entire day I never really had time to be alone in my thoughts. By the time I went to bed and had that moment, I was too exhausted to think about anything.
Although I have at least one painful, tear-filled moment daily, when I compare my days now to the first few months this year, the intensity is mostly less. Mostly. The start of November was rough. Last year, Halloween weekend was the last time Beccee and I and the girls had what you could call a normal time together. It was Beccee's last time singing. Ever. It was at church and I vividly remember standing stage right while she sang. I was looking down at the floor mostly and coaching myself through to keep from balling. After church, we (and by "we" I mean Beccee) got the girls ready for trick or treating and we walked the neighborhood together for the last time as a family. I'm hopeful that one day those types of memories will bring a smile to my face. I'm not at that point yet.
Last year November 3, Beccee had her right lung removed. Shortly after she was released to come home, we had a scare where she couldn't breathe well and I took her to the ER one evening. I was driving the mini-van and was starting to freak out that something bad was going to happen. I was speeding and figured if a cop wanted to pull me over, I had a pretty good excuse. She made me slow down and told me it was going to be alright. I remember Thanksgiving last year with Beccee and thinking she was doing way more than she should have been. I remember how by the end of that weekend she was in so much pain she'd be in the hospital a couple days later. Those are just a few of my November memories. I don't even want to get into how much I'm dreading reliving the nightmare that is December. Thank God the girls don't see it that way. They are still very excited about Millie's birthday and Christmas. I'd just as soon go to sleep tonight and wake up in February. Then again, if you're going to hibernate, might as well wake up in May.
All three of us are still doing regular therapy separately. We also attend Kyle's Korner twice a month. The kids meet with other kids in similar situations while the adults meet together. The girls love it. As for me... the girls love it.
Thank you all for your continued prayers. We're still doing okay.
Ron
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Let's Get the Band Back Together
Ron here...
Fran
This week for me was mostly about playing in the worship band. Tuesday, Tim Spransy and I finally nailed down the set list and we scrambled to figure out keys and get charts ready. We normally try to get those done much earlier, but life happens sometimes. We rehearsed with the full band on Wednesday night. I felt good going into the rehearsal since I had spent quite a bit of time for two days learning the songs. A big chunk of that time I focused on Maybe I'm Amazed. I studied MacCartney'
I normally don't practice the worship set on Thursday or Friday to give myself a break, and I stayed true to that this week.
Friday night, I brought the girls over to Mike and Carol's for a sleepover with their cousins who were in from Minnesota. They were so excited and I was glad to get a break for the weekend knowing how much time I'd be devoting to the worship music. On our way over to the house, I got a text from a friend about another friend. His wife was in the hospital with complicatio
Later that night I met up with another friend to see Marcell play in Pewaukee. I didn't mention my earlier hospital visit to this friend because I really wanted to just hang out and have a good time, and I knew that story wouldn't be conducive to that goal. The rest of the night was a lot of fun and I got home late. Okay, really late. Despite the hour, I had a surplus of energy that evidently wanted to be released in the form of grieving. There is something about being home alone knowing I won't be interrupted by the girls and knowing that I won't wake them up that seems to lift certain limits on how intense my emotion will get. I was really upset for a little while, but eventually went to sleep. I know there are a lot of people thinking right now that I could/shoul
My voice was feeling rough on Saturday. Since the girls weren't around, I was free to go over the songs all day. I reworked how I was singing Maybe I'm Amazed and I was feeling really good about it. Saturday's afternoon band rehearsal went really well with the first four songs and then we got to Maybe I'm Amazed. The first time through, the band sounded great, but I was horrible. I could actually sense the concern of pretty much everyone in the room. I even briefly thought about asking to make a key change, but I knew it was too late for that. While we were on a short break, I prayed for help pulling the song together. When we got back from our break, we immediately tried it again and this time was much better and I got a little confidence back. When we played it for the 6 PM service, my voice cracked a bit, but it wasn't bad. I thanked God for His help while I drove out of the parking lot.
I attended Carol's birthday party in Pewaukee and visited with the girls for a while. Getting Millie settled and in bed was tough because she didn't want me to leave. We finally agreed on me tucking her into bed one last time and me promising that I would not leave the house until she was asleep. This was a perfectly acceptable compromise for her.
My plan was to go home, maybe watch a movie and get to bed early. Earlier than Friday anyway. Instead of watching a movie, I came up with the bright idea of watching the video Beccee left for the girls in case she died. It's about 30 minutes in length. Watching it feels like much longer and much shorter both at the same time. I had trouble even looking at the screen most of the time and I got really upset again, but I kept hearing this little voice inside my head telling me not to take it too far and do any more damage to my voice. It was actually kind of funny. Eventually, I calmed down and did watch a Will Ferrel movie. I fell asleep after 15 minutes.
I got up fairly early Sunday morning knowing I was going to need some time to warm up vocally. My voice was pretty rough from the previous day or two, but overall, I felt pretty good. I ran through things on my guitar first and sang in the car on my way in. Then I prayed again.
Th
T
Whe
Plea
Thank you,
Ron
Friday, February 26, 2010
The Dreams Are Back
Beccee and I were separated again. We were outside and she was coming to pick up the girls. She was talking to her brother Chip about meeting up later for lunch. She was going to pick up a pizza. Without even looking at me she started to walk away. I said "that's it? We can't even talk about this?" I can't remember if she responded or not, but either way, that was the end of it and I woke up shortly after.
About an hour later, the girls were playing in the living room downstairs while I was upstairs putting some clothes away in their room. Our morning routine went pretty well and they were dressed and ready and had some extra time. As I finished hanging some things in the closet and shut the door, a snow globe on a bookshelf just behind the door started playing music. I was about two feet away from it and it was just for a couple seconds, but it definitely happened. I remember thinking that the door shutting must have triggered it. Then I thought about it again. Now, I've never been one to believe in the paranormal, but it was nice to think for a moment that maybe it was Beccee saying good morning. Ten seconds later, I walked out of their room into my bedroom and I thought I heard a piano playing the exact same chord the snow globe had ended on. I stood there asking myself whether I had really heard it when I realized the girls were now playing the piano downstairs.
I told Emma and Millie what had happened and we all agreed that it was mommy saying good morning to us.
Just a reminder about the Fight for Air Climb fundraiser on March 20. Beccee's Y-chick friends have a group doing this in honor of Beccee. Their group is called "The Y Chicks Love Beccee". Sara Smith is also planning on doing this. I have not decided if I'll participate yet.
http://www.
One more reminder. I'm back playing at Crosspoint Community Church this weekend. Terry will be speaking and we have a great band line-up with some really good songs, including one by Paul McCartney. If you want to know which one, you'll have to be there Saturday at 6 pm, or Sunday at 9:15 am or 11 am.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
A Really Tough One to Read
... sort of.
I stumbled on this entry in Beccee's mommy journal this morning. Consider yourself warned as you might find yourself getting very emotional reading this.
Thursd
To My Girls:
Mommy
A lot has gone on since I last wrote to you. We've been enjoying fall - going to the YMCA again - playing hide and seek with Daddy.
You'r
Na
It made me think a lot about where we all are and what would happen if I died. Would you remember me? Would I be missed? Would I leave a ripple in my time? Would my funeral be so sad - or happy? So, as morbid as this seems, and as "ever the hostess" I can be - I want a few things in writing to be followed through as best as possible.
Pl
Ask my friends to sing and play.
I would love Amy Colonna to read or write a poem.
Tell Lisa Colonna that it's okay to laugh. She gets nervous laughter at inappropria
I know I will live to be 90 so none of this should matter. But in my own crazy mind - I feel better getting it off my chest and saying these things.
Play lots of: Nina Simone, Amy Grant, Earth Wind & Fire, Stevie Wonder, Hoobastank, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Prince, Allanis, Keith Green, Linda Perry, Luther Vandross.
Te
Toast each other and your loved ones with excellent red wine and set aside a glass for me.
I want music with a mix of all my favorites playing at the church/fune
(The entry cut off there. It was probably time for departure.)
Monday, February 22, 2010
Emma Gets a Little Help
I know I don't need to start these updates with that statement, but I'm not ready to stop yet. I'm not ready to take off my wedding ring, or my Love for Life wristband yet either. I still write "Ron and Rebecca Kujawa" on the offering envelope at church too.
On Friday night, I dropped off the girls for a sleepover at Aunt Ruth and Uncle Kevin's house. Mill started getting upset as I was getting ready to leave. She wanted to sleep over, but she wanted me to stay overnight too. After a brief discussion, I told her she should have dinner and hang out for awhile and if she was still feeling sad later on, she could call me on the phone. As I made my way to the door, she was starting to cry and get that sad look on her face that I've gotten used to seeing. She didn't break down though. She hugged and kissed me while she was fighting back her tears, but she let me go without causing a scene. I know it can't be easy for her, especially with Beccee gone now, but she let me go anyway. As I was driving home, I realized how strong she is becoming. You can see in her eyes how painful some of these things are for her, but she sucks it up and does it anyway.
When we had Millie's birthday party at the hospital, there was a point where Millie got really sad and was hanging on Beccee. Millie told Beccee she was sad and that she wanted her to come home. Beccee's reply was "buck up, kiddo." She's bucking up every single day.
Emma and I got ready to do her homework last night, but just as we started, Beccee's sister Meg called. I asked Emma to get started on her reading, because she's pretty good doing that on her own, and I went into the living room to talk on the phone. Emma had two books to read before she got to her math homework, which was four blank clocks with a time written under them. She was supposed to draw in the clock hands to indicate the correct time. She usually needs a little help with that kind of assignment, and since one of the problems was 10:15, I knew she'd need some assistance. Well, I lost track of time talking to Meg (hmmmm... sounds like someone I know) and Emma comes walking into the living room with her math homework. It was already done and her answers were completely right! I was amazed. Emma just had a big smile on her face and said that mommy helped her do her homework.
Ro
PS I'm playing and singing at church this weekend. See you there. Crosspoint Community Church in Oconomowoc.
PPS(?) Fight for Air is coming up on March 20. It is a fundraiser for the American Lung Association where people will be climbing 1034 steps at the US Bank Center in downtown Milwaukee. More information at the link below.
http:
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Valentine's Day Weekend
Ron here...
I can't believe it's Wednesday night already! I did not mean to wait so long to update, but it's amazing how little time there actually is in a day.
Vale
Church on Sunday was much better for me than the previous Sunday. I didn't have that sense of surprise seeing the wedding scene on the stage this time, and I decided to sit stage left, up front where I never usually sit. It wasn't a conscious decision to try to hide, but it may have been a subconsciou
When the worship music set was finished, I thought about sneaking out of the sanctuary and hanging out in the green room with the musicians. I'm not really sure why I stayed put, especially after the week before and how uncomfortab
Later that afternoon, I went to pick up the girls at Beccee's mom and dad's house where they spent a few hours. At someone's suggestion, I thought it would be a good idea to have the girls make Valentine's cards for Beccee that we could tie to balloons and let them fly to the sky. We had to trim some of the weight off the homemade Valentine's cards to get them to lift off even with six balloons. It was starting to get dark and chilly, but the three of us went outside with Mike and Carol close by taking some pictures. We said a quick prayer and let the balloons go. They started going up, but sadly a draft took them into a very tall tree where they got stuck about 40 feet off the ground. Millie started to cry, but she wasn't even looking up. She was actually starting cry before the balloons even touched the tree. She was still sad about Beccee. So was I. So was Emma.
On Monday, I distracted myself by fixating on dumping the minivan for a Mazda3. It was a great time-and-en
Anyway, Emma and I really like the car. It's small, relatively quick and sporty. Not as fast as the BMW 540i 6-speed, but way more fun than driving the living room, I mean, minivan. Millie has expressed her displeasure with the transaction.
We
Lov
Ron
Friday, February 12, 2010
The Tattoo Party
Milli
We stopped at home yesterday right after school before heading out to an early dinner at Mia's with my mom, dad and sister. Yesterday was the 100th day of school and the kids did projects and celebrated the event. Millie looked at me and started to cry. She had made a necklace out of yarn and a piece of paper she had colored to commemorate 100th day. She said she made it for mommy and she was sad she couldn't give it to her and she wanted me to wear it instead. Of course I did, but Millie kept crying. A lot. For the next half hour or more, Millie sat on my lap just being sad. I didn't have any words of wisdom for her, so mostly I told her I knew it hurt and that I loved her. I asked if there was something about mommy she wanted to talk to me about. There wasn't.
Once she finally calmed down I told her we should get going so we wouldn't be too late for dinner. I also told her that if she didn't want to go to the party, we could stay home. She told me she definitely wanted to go to the party. Emma was pretty cool this whole time, but she was getting anxious to go. She pretty much hung out in the kitchen. Every once in a while I heard her mutter things under her breath like, "I wish we could go to the party."
Afte
Dinner started off a little rough. Millie was still sad, and Emma got upset that Millie got to bring in her stuffie, and Emma didn't. I explained to Emma that I wasn't aware Millie was bringing in her stuffie, and that if Emma had wanted to, it would have been okay, but I wasn't going back to the car, blah, blah, blah... After the third or fourth time through that conversatio
The girls were great at the tattoo party. They got to play, hang out with their adult cousins in a grown-up bar, have kiddie cocktails, get tattoos and act like big shots. They loved that I carried them out to the car without their jackets on. The henna tattoos were still drying.
Befo
She asked if she could wear something of mommy's today, so we went upstairs and I found one of Beccee's tank tops that I thought Millie could wear over a long-sleeve
From that point until I got them dropped off at school, Millie didn't cry anymore. I hope she has a wonderful day at school with Valentines and candy and friends. But I'm keeping my phone close by in case the school calls.
I can't even describe how difficult it is to watch your six-year old grieve. The word helpless is not strong enough. I know that everyone has to experience their own pain. We can try to be there for one another to lend support, but in the end, no one can take on that pain. Even if you're six and your mommy died of lung cancer.
We'r
So this is Valentine's weekend coming up. I really don't know what I'm going to do about that. I had thought about helping out at church on Saturday night. They have a comedian doing a show and I thought it would be a good distraction to hang out there and move chairs around or whatever and maybe watch the guy, because I've seen him on TV and he is hilarious. But then I thought about seeing all these couples at a Valentines event. And I'm guessing much of the comedian's material will be about couples and love and blah, blah, blah. I don't think I want to do that. I'll either make dinner for the girls, or take them out for a nice dinner. Well, "nice" to a six-year old.
Last year for Valentine's Day, I wrote Beccee a love letter. I knew she wanted one for a long time, and since we were doing what we could to save money at the time, I thought I'd give it a shot. The letter was pretty short and it took me a long time to get started, but it turned out okay. I gave it to Beccee in our bedroom, where she read it. I left the room. I cried when I wrote it and I didn't want to cry in front of her when she read it. She told me how much she loved the letter and she folded it up and put it on her nightstand next to her bed where it stayed until mid-Decembe
For her birthday on December 17, I wrote her another love letter. This one was longer and since I had been doing the CaringBridg
I sincerely hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day and that you spend it with someone you love. God bless you all, and if you find a little time in your day, please pray for a little peace and comfort, especially for my Millie Rose.
Ron