Saying Nothing

Ron here...

I guess I can stop opening these posts like that. Maybe next time.

With the exception of feeling like I'm going into the thirteenth month of winter, I'm feeling pretty good. Work is great, music projects are going along well and the girls are really doing well. We all had a bout with Bronchitis a few weeks ago that made life difficult for a while, but I really can't complain.

The girls and I took a trip to Lake Havasu Arizona a couple weeks ago to visit my mom and dad, who are doing the snow bird thing now. I'm happy for them. Thirteen months of winter in Wisconsin is too long. We all stayed at my aunt and uncle's house where they have a heated pool and a hot tub. The girls were in heaven. The sun was shining every day. I was in heaven. I learned something very important on this trip. My seven year old Emma is a bigger fan of In N Out than I am.

I still think of Beccee every single day. Probably closer to every hour. But the longer, deeper battles with grief are less frequent and less debilitating overall. There are still times though when it will render me pretty much useless. The girls still talk and ask about Beccee often. Those conversations are mostly filled with smiles and laughs. Mostly. It can still hit me very hard to hear phrases like "when mommy was alive" come out of mu little girls' mouths. It still strikes me as incredibly unfair, but I generally don't get as angry about it, and it doesn't last as long as it used to. I think these are good things, but regardless of my opinion, it is the way things are going.

Jenn and I are still dating.

I just went back and re-read that last sentence and decided to edit the rest of the paragraph. Here's my problem... I'm trying to be very cautious about our relationship, but not in a "keeping my options open" sort of way, or an "I'm not ready to be in a serious relationship" way.

But reading just those words, I can see how someone might interpret it that way. And talking to people who read this blog, I know that happens sometimes.

I am being cautious about our relationship. The point I want to make here though, is I'm cautious about what I SAY about our relationship. First and foremost, I'm cautious about my kids and her kids. I don't want "us" to be the source of hurt for any of them, so I have a pretty serious filter on what I will say to them, around them or around anyone who might ever talk to them, which includes anyone reading this. Hmmm... I haven't really said anything here, and I already feel like I've said too much. I'll leave it at that for now.

Ron