The Tattoo Party

Ron here...

It looked to me like the tattoo party was a huge success. Lots of tattoos were done, lots of people hanging out having food, drinking wine, listening to live music, smiling and laughing. Emma and Millie got henna tattoos and got to stay up late. They had a blast while they were there. Before and after they were there is a different story.

Millie is having a couple of very tough days. For quite a few weeks now, she has not had any major breakdowns. We don't ignore Beccee, but Millie just has not gotten really sad about things lately. Even with weekly sessions with the counselor and me asking the girls every few days if they want to talk about Beccee. They seemed to have gotten into something resembling a normal routine and that's been okay.

We stopped at home yesterday right after school before heading out to an early dinner at Mia's with my mom, dad and sister. Yesterday was the 100th day of school and the kids did projects and celebrated the event. Millie looked at me and started to cry. She had made a necklace out of yarn and a piece of paper she had colored to commemorate 100th day. She said she made it for mommy and she was sad she couldn't give it to her and she wanted me to wear it instead. Of course I did, but Millie kept crying. A lot. For the next half hour or more, Millie sat on my lap just being sad. I didn't have any words of wisdom for her, so mostly I told her I knew it hurt and that I loved her. I asked if there was something about mommy she wanted to talk to me about. There wasn't.

Once she finally calmed down I told her we should get going so we wouldn't be too late for dinner. I also told her that if she didn't want to go to the party, we could stay home. She told me she definitely wanted to go to the party. Emma was pretty cool this whole time, but she was getting anxious to go. She pretty much hung out in the kitchen. Every once in a while I heard her mutter things under her breath like, "I wish we could go to the party."

After we gathered some pictures of Beccee to take along, because Millie had asked if we could do that, the girls and I got ready and got in the minivan. Millie started crying again. She wanted to sit next to me while we were driving, but I explained why we couldn't do that. She didn't get upset about my answer, but she was still sad and crying. Then she asked if we could listen to mommy sing on the radio. I had my iPhone with most of Beccee's recordings on it, so I played it over the radio. Some of the songs the girls had never heard before, and I hadn't heard in a very long time. It appeared to be comforting to Millie. Not so much for me.

Dinner started off a little rough. Millie was still sad, and Emma got upset that Millie got to bring in her stuffie, and Emma didn't. I explained to Emma that I wasn't aware Millie was bringing in her stuffie, and that if Emma had wanted to, it would have been okay, but I wasn't going back to the car, blah, blah, blah... After the third or fourth time through that conversation, and the promise that Kinzey could come to the tattoo party, Emma settled down.

The girls were great at the tattoo party. They got to play, hang out with their adult cousins in a grown-up bar, have kiddie cocktails, get tattoos and act like big shots. They loved that I carried them out to the car without their jackets on. The henna tattoos were still drying.

Before I could put the car in Drive, Millie was upset again and saying she missed mommy. She was sad for the ride home. She was sad getting into the house and getting ready for bed. She was sad going to bed. She was sad when she woke up in the middle of the night and came into my bed. She was sad when she woke up. She was sad getting dressed.

She asked if she could wear something of mommy's today, so we went upstairs and I found one of Beccee's tank tops that I thought Millie could wear over a long-sleeved shirt. It worked out pretty good. She picked out a shirt with some hearts (for Valentines day, and because she loves mommy). With Beccee's tank top over the shirt, it kind of looks like a dress. Black leggings and one of Beccee's necklaces finished off the ensemble. Then I noticed that each article of clothing had rhinestones or sequins on it. Millie liked that because mommy liked sparkly things. This is very true.

From that point until I got them dropped off at school, Millie didn't cry anymore. I hope she has a wonderful day at school with Valentines and candy and friends. But I'm keeping my phone close by in case the school calls.

I can't even describe how difficult it is to watch your six-year old grieve. The word helpless is not strong enough. I know that everyone has to experience their own pain. We can try to be there for one another to lend support, but in the end, no one can take on that pain. Even if you're six and your mommy died of lung cancer.

We're going to be okay. I know that. And most of the time, we get through our regular routine pretty good, we laugh, watch tv, play games, have play dates, hang out with friends and do all the things normal people do. We don't lie on the floor in the fetal position crying our eyes out everyday. We sleep at night. We get up in the morning and get our day going. We don't stay up all night or sleep during the day. For the most part, it's pretty astonishing how well we've gotten back to a regular routine. The memory of Beccee is with me all the time though. Probably with the girls too, although I can't begin to understand their thought process in this. If I was trying to make a point in this last paragraph, I've forgotten where I was going. I guess I was trying to say that most of our time, things are pretty normal, but a wave of grief, in the form of anger or sorrow, can smash your day apart like a bowling ball through a windshield.

So this is Valentine's weekend coming up. I really don't know what I'm going to do about that. I had thought about helping out at church on Saturday night. They have a comedian doing a show and I thought it would be a good distraction to hang out there and move chairs around or whatever and maybe watch the guy, because I've seen him on TV and he is hilarious. But then I thought about seeing all these couples at a Valentines event. And I'm guessing much of the comedian's material will be about couples and love and blah, blah, blah. I don't think I want to do that. I'll either make dinner for the girls, or take them out for a nice dinner. Well, "nice" to a six-year old.

Last year for Valentine's Day, I wrote Beccee a love letter. I knew she wanted one for a long time, and since we were doing what we could to save money at the time, I thought I'd give it a shot. The letter was pretty short and it took me a long time to get started, but it turned out okay. I gave it to Beccee in our bedroom, where she read it. I left the room. I cried when I wrote it and I didn't want to cry in front of her when she read it. She told me how much she loved the letter and she folded it up and put it on her nightstand next to her bed where it stayed until mid-December of last year, when it was brought to her bed at the hospital. I read it to her one day. She told me again that she loved it and that she read it all the time. I didn't know that.

For her birthday on December 17, I wrote her another love letter. This one was longer and since I had been doing the CaringBridge updates, my writing chops were better. I was lucky enough to read that letter to her on one of her really good days in those last few weeks. I made it to the last of five pages before I cried. She told me I was good at writing love letters. At the end of that letter I promised I would write her again on Valentine's Day. I have not been able to do it yet, but I promised, so that's what I'll be working on this weekend.

I sincerely hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day and that you spend it with someone you love. God bless you all, and if you find a little time in your day, please pray for a little peace and comfort, especially for my Millie Rose.

Ron