Working

Ron here...

I had several gentle reminders today that seemed to be telling me it was about time to give you all an update. I happened to run into one of Beccee's friends at Starbucks in Delafield this afternoon, I saw a FaceBook message from another of Beccee's friends about a get together, and I stumbled upon a text from yet another of Beccee's friends from January where she talked about how important it was for her to be able to keep up on me and the girls through the blog. God whispering.

As of October 1, I started working full-time at Crosspoint Community Church. My areas of responsibility fall under the umbrella (ella, ella, ay, ay - sorry, I can't help it) of technology. Shooting video, editing, making podcasts available, new media software, Internet ministries, tying in social networking to the church... things like that. I'm also still a worship leader, but it's not an official work responsibility. Although juggling a work schedule and taking care of the girls is a challenge, overall things are going great and I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing for a living. No offense, Tommy Hilfiger. The girls are very happy for me too. Mostly because they get to play with Molly Spransy more and the sound guy's dog, Boscoe. Oh, and they think I make a lot of money and they will be able to buy an RV. Yeah, right.

Millie is doing well. She is a star student at school and is excelling at most things she tries. She still has bad days or moments where she doesn't quite know how to tell me whats wrong, but that she misses mommy. Leaving the girls for a sleepover at grandma and grandpa's can still be an anxious and painful experience for Millie. But in the end, she always sucks it up and does what she has to. Sometimes it reminds me of Millie's birthday party at the hospital last year. Millie was sad and crying and hanging on Beccee telling her she wanted her to come home. Beccee told her to "buck up, kiddo." She does. A lot. Millie loves to draw pictures for me. They almost always say "I love you" on them and she tells that to me at least a half dozen times a day if not more.

Emma is having a much better time at school this year. I think her teacher is a better fit for her and it is making all the difference in the world. Emma still struggles with her attention, focus and social skills. I'm trying to help her as best I can, but it can be very frustrating. Her brain works differently than anyone else I know and it makes it difficult to communicate with her at times. It can be very frustrating for her too. Animals are still a big interest to Emma, but over the last couple months, she has really mixed things up with her stuffed animals. For a couple of years, her life revolved around Kinsey. Now days, she switches to a different animal or two every few days.

At night time, Emma prays for God to watch over Frankie and asks mommy to take care of Sparky and Matthew. Frankie is the fish she caught with her bare hands last summer. Emma is still concerned that he is safe with his family. Sparky was a class pet guinea pig that died. Emma asks mommy to clean his cage. Matthew is the name of a baby boy who was still born a month ago. We met his family at Kyle's Korner and Emma and Millie play with Matthew's sisters that are 4 and 5.

I'm still dating the woman I mentioned a while back. It's been several months now and it's going really well. We smile and laugh a lot when we're together and often when we aren't thanks to our smartphones. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I thank God for putting us together. I don't know what will happen in the future and frankly neither one of us is very concerned about it. The word girlfriend and the concept of having one is nowhere near as strange as it was a few months ago. That in and of itself is strange in a different way.

The girls are now aware that I'm dating and have met the woman and her kids. We've all gotten together several times - play dates, corn maze, trick or treating - and everyone gets along great. My therapist has reminded me to be cautious about interacting with each others' families. If things end up not working out, it could be devastating to all the kids. I try to keep that in mind and balance it with the fact that we are in each others' lives right now. I also think it's good for the kids to know other kids that have lost a parent. Man, this stuff isn't easy.

I finally had my first (and only) day without crying. I went on a trip to Chicago with the church for a short creative team retreat. The morning consisted of getting the girls ready and off to school. Our trip started immediately after that and I was so busy the entire day I never really had time to be alone in my thoughts. By the time I went to bed and had that moment, I was too exhausted to think about anything.

Although I have at least one painful, tear-filled moment daily, when I compare my days now to the first few months this year, the intensity is mostly less. Mostly. The start of November was rough. Last year, Halloween weekend was the last time Beccee and I and the girls had what you could call a normal time together. It was Beccee's last time singing. Ever. It was at church and I vividly remember standing stage right while she sang. I was looking down at the floor mostly and coaching myself through to keep from balling. After church, we (and by "we" I mean Beccee) got the girls ready for trick or treating and we walked the neighborhood together for the last time as a family. I'm hopeful that one day those types of memories will bring a smile to my face. I'm not at that point yet.

Last year November 3, Beccee had her right lung removed. Shortly after she was released to come home, we had a scare where she couldn't breathe well and I took her to the ER one evening. I was driving the mini-van and was starting to freak out that something bad was going to happen. I was speeding and figured if a cop wanted to pull me over, I had a pretty good excuse. She made me slow down and told me it was going to be alright. I remember Thanksgiving last year with Beccee and thinking she was doing way more than she should have been. I remember how by the end of that weekend she was in so much pain she'd be in the hospital a couple days later. Those are just a few of my November memories. I don't even want to get into how much I'm dreading reliving the nightmare that is December. Thank God the girls don't see it that way. They are still very excited about Millie's birthday and Christmas. I'd just as soon go to sleep tonight and wake up in February. Then again, if you're going to hibernate, might as well wake up in May.

All three of us are still doing regular therapy separately. We also attend Kyle's Korner twice a month. The kids meet with other kids in similar situations while the adults meet together. The girls love it. As for me... the girls love it.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. We're still doing okay.

Ron