One year down...

Ron here... Still.

It still hurts. A lot sometimes. That wave analogy is pretty accurate. Only it's not like a wave that continues to grow weaker. It's far more unpredictable. There are times I'm hit with a memory and it has me reeling for hours or days. It could be something I haven't thought about since it happened and in a moment, everything goes to this dark place. This happened at church, where I happen to work now.

It was a few weeks before Christmas and I was involved in getting the stage construction taken care of. I was standing alone in the sanctuary working on the best way to construct a stand to tack thank you notes to, when I encountered vivid memories of Beccee's casket at the front of the stage. This lead to memories of standing in front of that casket holding the girls up as they said their last goodbyes and placed cards and flowers inside. Next came visions of standing in the reception line. It took a couple of days to come out of that funk. My point is that overall the waves get gentler with time, but occasionally a really big one comes and slams me into a rock.

The three of us are doing okay. The girls are doing well in school and I think I'm doing well at my new job at church. My biggest struggle is trying to balance my job with the girls. I think it's all going to work out. Things are going well with my girlfriend, Jenn. I don't think I'm shocking anyone by saying the last year has been really tough at times. What else would you expect? However, along the road of grieving for a year, a few other things happened...

I have more real friends than ever before. Friends that I could call anytime, day or night and they would be there for me. Maybe they were there before, but if they were, I didn't notice or give a damn. I have met a wonderful, beautiful, awesome woman who is now one of my best friends and a lot more. I finally got a job that I love. One that I feel like I'm doing what God wants me to do. No offense to Tommy Hilfiger, but I'm quite sure building their stores really wasn't what He had in mind for me. I've become a better musician and a better singer. My faith has strengthened. And not because of some emotional need to fill a void, but because I've sought to know the truth and the evidence convinces me of the real Truth.

Frankly, I'm not much in the mood to write tonight. So, I'll defer to someone with far more skill than I. I read this to the girls at bedtime from Beccee's journal.

"Feb 2, 2005

My angel babies:

Sometimes I worry about you so much. There are so many things & people in this world I worry about - try to protect you from. I know God has his plan for all of us - and everything is really in His hands, not mine, but I still worry. I so want everything in this world to be perfect for you. I want the sun to shine and money to grow on trees, and men to be kind to you - and life to be easy. I obviously know I cannot control everything - I hope I don't become a controlling hawk-eyed mommy - but I have such overwhelming passion to hide you both away and never let you out in this crazy, dangerous world. It's my job. It's all I think about. Are you too close to the stove, can you fall off the couch, if you do, what will you hit your head on? Are your fingers clear of doors and drawers? I don't hover, and I only smoother a little bit - but I am all consumed with your well being and safety. I still wake up a few times every night and cover your little bodies - tucking you in. Removing bottles and such (Ron here - the girls got a kick out of that) - patting your bottoms and making sure you're still breathing. I know when you are both mommies you'll do the same. I have so many dreams and hopes for you. I find myself staring into your eyes and searching for the women you are going to become. I cannot wait to know you both as adults. Please be patient with me if I make mistakes along the way. I'm winging it. I promise to do my best, to listen to you - but to protect you. Even if you don't agree with me at the time - I don't want you to ever feel like I'm making decisions just to bug you or control you. I will always be considering your safety and your well being. I love you with all of my heart and soul. I always and forever will. I would lay down my life for both of you.

- Mommy"