Ron here...
Okay, so I know I have not been writing regularly for quite some time now. Yes, working full-time while being a single father, who also plays in an acoustic duo and a rock band on weekends takes a lot of time, but truth be told, if I really wanted to write, I'd make time. I guess I really have not wanted to.
Well, at this particular moment, I want to. I'm out in California for a work/church conference. Between traveling and breaking off on my own, I seem to have had more time, or at least longer segments of time, to think. It has allowed me to think about where my life is at, compare where I was a year ago, two years ago, and to think about where it is going. There was also one speaker at the conference in particular that finished about five minutes ago that seems to have particularly energized me.
He talked about transforming your dream into your dream job. I love what I get to do at church, but if I'm honest, there are other things, bigger things I dream about other than handling technical things like video and computers, and being a part-time worship leader. Dreams like writing, recording and publishing my music. Dreams like finishing my deceased wife's novel. Dreams like taking her blog, that I added onto, and turning it into a book.
Beccee and I used to live in Los Angeles, which is about 50 miles from where this conference is taking place. I was fortunate enough to break away from our group yesterday and visit my brother's house. I'm planning on getting up there tonight too. Beccee and I lived in that same house for about 6 years, so going back to visit it is almost like having a real, living version of a photo album for that period in my life. For that period in our lives. It gets me thinking in a different way. The weather, the sunshine, the houses, the expensive cars, the way people do things, the way people talk, even the way the air smells is so attractive. Perhaps coming out in February after a pretty brutal winter has something to do with it.
I got a text yesterday from someone asking me if being out here made me homesick. My answer was "kind of, yes." Then I thought about how I had answered the question and it seemed strange that I could be homesick for LA. I was born and raised in Wisconsin, lived in Phoenix for a couple years, LA for 6 and back to Wisconsin for the last 6 years. I never thought of LA as "home", but the word "homesick" sure did seem appropriate. Now before anyone in my circle of friends and family starts to freak out, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Just thinking out loud, or on paper here.
So, a little bit about life back in the real world in Wisconsin. The girls are doing great. They are doing well at school and are involved in a few activities outside of school that they enjoy. We still talk about Beccee pretty often. Her name comes up pretty much every day. Sometimes it brings tears, but most of the time it doesn't. I stopped keeping track of whether or not I cry everyday about Beccee. If it's not daily, I'd say it's still close. The waves of grief have further spaces between them, but when they hit, they can still be as devastating as ever. It's fascinating how something as simple as seeing a picture, stumbling across and old video, an email, hearing a comment from the girls, finding some random object in the closet, just about anything, really, can set off a chain reaction that will bring me to the point of sobbing on the floor in an instant. Those moments still suck.
The other day Millie was having a rough day, missing mommy. She asked me to put on the video of Beccee singing at the Eric Benet concert. It really is a blessing how many audio recordings, videos and pictures we have of Beccee. So, I put the DVD in and it starts with Beccee's introduction of all 20 or so musicians on the stage at the time. As she was talking, Millie looked over at me and said "that doesn't sound like mommy's voice." My heart sank at the realization that her memory of Beccee is already to starting to fade. I have known all along that eventually their memories will fade and to be honest, that is one of the things about losing Beccee that angers me the most. I know that in a way it is a blessing and that it probably helps them deal with the pain and trauma of their mom dying, but it is frustrating and painful to watch.
Things are still going well with Jenn, the woman I've been dating since last July. It's interesting to see how my girls and her kids are reacting to us being together. In case you don't recall (I know it's been a while since I've written about this), Jenn lost her husband to cancer the day after Beccee died. Her kids lost their daddy the day after my girls lost their mommy. We have gotten to the point where we let our kids intermingle a couple times a month or so. They laugh and play and get along great. It's pretty cool to see.
That's about all I have for now. Thanks for still thinking of us and praying for us. God bless you all!
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I hope the girls don't forget their mom... I lost my dad when I was 17 and have many memories of him, but my younger brothers still ask me for stories about our dad because they were so young. Thankfully you have those recordings of Beccee to show the girls and so many stories to share about her. They're lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sunny. They surprise me with some of the things they remember. Whenever they bring up a memory like that, I encourage them to write it down in their journals. Sometimes I'll record it on my phone as a voice memo and then email it to their own accounts.
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